I had to think about some choices I was making and some people I associate with. I know some bad bitches, honestly. They baad.
Last night involved some Barcadi sipping, hookah smoke blowing, midnight 24 hour gym improv zumba dancing booty shaking. It was great. They all looked lovely & they all were behaving so sweetly. I felt blessed.
No one will ever be able to help me recreate that former big love I had, but damn it I need a new love not a repeat of what was because it felt familiar. Familiarity isn't always a ally or something to run back to. Pain can be familiar, but don't you dare go out there looking for more of it.
My eating was good yesterday. I used myfitnesspal and my cals were like 1000 or so. Which is high but I felt like I didn't eat that much. My new thing is not to eat anything but like maybe a piece of fruit before 12-1 pm. Coffee, water, tea, or one protein shake is all that is allowed. I felt good. It's nice to have people support and correspond with you.
I feel like I need to be there for people, cause there's many times someone was there for me.
I want to be thin but I want to be able to function and not feel like death everyday. I want to be concious of everything I eat and I want to make healthy choices. I still want to eat a little bit less. 800 cals with a bit of working out is great. I'm doing all this from a positive place. Unlike last time where I was so depressed that I figured the only thing that could save me was to be skinny. I felt like I couldn't live unless I was thin. But I'm living! I'm here in the present! I'm going back to school and I have a job and I did all that with all the weight I carry now. I'm heavier than I should be but damn it I still deserve to love myself and others. My weight doesn't determine whether or not I'm a good person or not. My actions towards the world and myself do.
I love myself and I'm proud to say that. Love you too.