Tomorrow I'm going to party so crazy style. I just can't with my feelings.
Friday, May 31, 2013
I'm sitting here in the local Panera feeling nostalgic. I got some of what you got but maybe I want more. More of your time, more of your attention. I hope we don't just fizzle. I'm willing to try this, try you out. It's weird how you pop into my day dreams, you in the night coming closer to me. I feel that you were tangible, not a figament of one of my many fantasies. Haha
I got to shake you off. Like before, I'm fine. I'm always going to be okay, I'm alright. Somebody will want what I have. They will love me hard and I will not run away but into their arms & heart. One day someone will see me.
I worked out yesterday. Talked to some niggas... Bleh. I'm just chilling. I'm a little in my feelings. Work will definately be a good distraction I'm believing that sex ain't better than love. But sex is fun. It's nice to be desired. A lot of the time I have no idea what to say. Yep. Done with this.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Go lover, make mama proud. && when were done I just want to feel your hands all over me baby..
Ayee the freak within is someone super trill. And you know what I like? That I don't have it all figured out. I'm not sure which sex I want more or what exactly I'm supposed to be doing with myself.
It's funny the things that turn me on. Sincerity is real sexy. Calmness is hott. A bit of aggression is always good.
Soo today let's see here.. food wise it has been minimal. I had 2 apples,
Last night however I ate like shiit. *flips hair*
I'm not even hungry. I called the college I want to attend to see if they accepted my request for financial aid and oh hell yes they did. Amen to that. *Churrch* haha
The air is changing. The universe is spreading its love all over my intentions. Thank you. I will be skinny, I will not hide behind food because I'm afraid to be my best me. I was always to afraid of those I like hating on me because I was shining. So I would down play myself, get inside my head and talk all that negative nonsense.
I deserve happiness. I deserve to have what I desire. Damn this bus smells terrible! Like wet dog, goddamn! Either your down for me or your not. I will make it with or with you.
Yes I'm Gymming right now, then ill hit the sauna. I've been breaking out something crazy. I cant with all of that.
Monday, May 27, 2013
I got to go, I've got responsiblities I've got to take care of...
That's when you wrap the legs around me and I fall victim to that lazy love.
Obviously, I'm ready for some of that good good. Damn. I can't wait for someone special. If you treat me well ill treat you better.
Today is Memorial Day over here in the states, and yes I have to work.
I was so faded yesterday. Ohhh God. Pretzels and coffee is a lovely collaboration. I shall be starting school June 24th if my financial aid clears. I will know for certain no later than Friday. I realize its time to get the ball rolling in a positive direction. My future starts the day I begin college. I want to become a doctor, a radiologist specifically. So yes, community college-> university-> medical school-> residency -> $300,000 :$ Ayyeee.
I'll probably post once more to let ya'll know how I'm doing. I forsee today being a great day.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
"Keep calm and press on." My mantra for today. Breathe deep & Repeat 20x
Feeling better, so last night was a lovely fiasco of sorts. Many shots of Absolut were included. I never count my calories with alcohol because that would be beyond. But I had no mixed drinks so i saved myself a bit of heartache calories wise.
Drum roll please!! I DID NOT DRUNK EAT AT ALL. NOTHING TOUCHED MY LIPS.
^_^ ^,^ ^.^
As of today however I'm really really tired. And I feel like hangover eating. I did eat like 8 red robin steak fries with ranch when k came in the break room and saw me. I told her I was thinking about ordering fast food and she said, " you have a Orange up front" and walked out. That made me pause a second. She was totally right. So yes I saved myself from a major binge of fried foods but in all I feel I
consumed close to 1500 cals.
K is really skinny and doesn't overeat. She was trying to help me, I caught the message.
Merp, its sad. It's so hard not to eat when you're hungover and sleep deprived. But even still I had a great time last night.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Soo. I kinda binged last night. BUT it wasn't crazy, like... Maybe 800 calories. Once again, not bummed out. This is why the thought of overeating even occured. I went shopping last night with a friend and swear to God we went to 3 different locations in 3 hours and I barely found ONE outfit that looked decent. Well, its cute but it would look turnt up IF I was a little thinner. I was exhausted so I got a light jamba juice with spirulina. Yumm. I had a good attitude through it all. I knew I was far from where I needed to be so I chose not to be negative. There I applaud myself. And I felt as if I was recieving a legitmate workout walking around... Trying on like a billion outfits. But all the effort it took to find one good combination caused us not to want to go out anymore. When I got home my bro was eating Taco Del Mar and I think I was slowly opening the door to my 'fuck its' syndrome. Lol, I rationalized that ill just eat whatever, I don't give a shit but I did eventually catch myself. The 'fuck its' are a retarded way that I let myself give up momentarily. It's just dumb, and I need to try to stick to my process regardless of a let down, or whatever emotional change. I need to keep going and stay focused in general. I binged on fat free refried beans with cheese, one slice of daves killer good seed bread, 2 fat free string cheeses,and a Apple. Not terrible in my eyes. All the foods were healthy, and without the addition of empty calories from alcohol. Soo...
I'm winning:P Today is going great, I skipped breakfast and had about 350 cal lunch. And ill just chill on dinner. Plus, I will be hitting the gym for a one hour Zumba class. It should be fun. I'm trying to do 600 calories total and like 200 net cals or less after I workout.
Friday, May 24, 2013
This morning I had a sex dream. Niice. I knew the guy... Lmao.
But I ended of being with a woman instead. Okay ill play with that ideal. Haha anyways, Im not sure what I what to say to you all. I just hope we make it. I pray we reach our goals. I know how damaging it is to want something that you don't believe you deserve. You do baby, promise. The way I see it, you're in control if there's a will there's a way. Day by day you will start to manifest that beautiful woman you idolize. Be who you want to meet.
I seriously praise God for this peace, like I don't think you guys understand. Any type of stress would open the door to me harming myself. I loathed my existence. Depression is so scarily real and common especially around us girls, get help. Reach out. I thought I could control it. I thought I could manage all my overwhelmingly draining highs and lows. Nope sorry, not because I was weak buy because from my prior experiences I had been altered. I took risks and they changed me.. for the better in the end.
I don't want to be perfect just a better version of myself. A empowered imperfection. You know, Im nervous majority of the time. But I keep surprising myself with what I can endure. Pain makes you stronger, so keep putting your neck there cause then you know your living.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
I find that everything in my life is pretty chill. I'm tired a bit, I want to curl up and sleep.. but a beautiful thing is slowly happening. When I wake up I can feel my bones aching a little bit, my body is trying to pull into itself. Instead of expanding from food I am compacting. It's wonderful. It's the strangest thing though. A silent reminder that Im doing something right. And I don't feel stressed.. all in all I'm just riding the wave and learning to enjoy hunger again. I'm learning to manage my calories so I won't feel airheaded but still not eat to much. And I'm NOT beating myself up. I have no idea why things are different this time around but I have no complaints.
Update: I was super tired as the day wore on. Like the last 5 hours of my shift was hell. I had a apple, a couple pieces of candy, and 2 cups of coffee to help me press on. It's funny now that I'm off from work I feel fine, not nearly as drained or hungry. I assume its all in the mind. I'm not sure where Im at calories wise because mfp is being acting like a basic bitch. I guess 600 or so. Not tripping.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
I had to think about some choices I was making and some people I associate with. I know some bad bitches, honestly. They baad.
Last night involved some Barcadi sipping, hookah smoke blowing, midnight 24 hour gym improv zumba dancing booty shaking. It was great. They all looked lovely & they all were behaving so sweetly. I felt blessed.
No one will ever be able to help me recreate that former big love I had, but damn it I need a new love not a repeat of what was because it felt familiar. Familiarity isn't always a ally or something to run back to. Pain can be familiar, but don't you dare go out there looking for more of it.
My eating was good yesterday. I used myfitnesspal and my cals were like 1000 or so. Which is high but I felt like I didn't eat that much. My new thing is not to eat anything but like maybe a piece of fruit before 12-1 pm. Coffee, water, tea, or one protein shake is all that is allowed. I felt good. It's nice to have people support and correspond with you.
I feel like I need to be there for people, cause there's many times someone was there for me.
I want to be thin but I want to be able to function and not feel like death everyday. I want to be concious of everything I eat and I want to make healthy choices. I still want to eat a little bit less. 800 cals with a bit of working out is great. I'm doing all this from a positive place. Unlike last time where I was so depressed that I figured the only thing that could save me was to be skinny. I felt like I couldn't live unless I was thin. But I'm living! I'm here in the present! I'm going back to school and I have a job and I did all that with all the weight I carry now. I'm heavier than I should be but damn it I still deserve to love myself and others. My weight doesn't determine whether or not I'm a good person or not. My actions towards the world and myself do.
I love myself and I'm proud to say that. Love you too.