Im going to be skinny because it makes sense. Its one defense I have against the world. Its one thing that I can be proud of, I can boast without bragging, I dont have to say a word. I will hurt in silence, my mother doesnt hear a thing I say. The only language she will understand is that I stopped "eating myself crazy".
Her words verbatim, my thoughts precisely. She has sliced me open, behold, my stupidity on display. She doesnt hate me, but I dont make her proud. She wishes she never had me, my B walks with a crown. Him over me, im a burden a waste of time, im sorry I have issues, with words I write in rhyme. My emotions are useless, my voice is empty air. Im just a broken piece of shit, forever in need of repair. Always needing more love than she can possibly give, so I will speak no more of the pain within.
For it is pointless, to ears that selectively desire to hear. I will indulge in skinny, avoiding food like a disease. I will fake strength, I will never eat again.
My family is tired of me, I am also listless of myself. I want to starve so I may be this girl that supports herself. Who only cracks in private, who can handle envious glares, whose lonely but acts like she doesnt care. Relationships scare her for she is already involved in a deadly love affair.
Im sorry to be morbid. My heart is heavy, im sad but I have no choice but to appear functioning. The skinny girl will bring me joy and satisfaction. I want to never eat again, I wonder how long I can push myself. If food touches my lips idk what will happen.
Today has been a success. No food, only ginger tea, green tea and sips of a Mikes Harder Mango. Reality hurts, but not eating made the end of my day uplifting:)
Stay strong ladies, fight for your happiness.