Thursday, January 12, 2012

Fucking Life.

Update. I have new feelings about Wintergirls. Maybe I disliked the book so much because it was more than haunting me, but telling the truth about how I feel inside. And where these feelings can lead me. And how some people become your world and you don't know how to deal without them. So they haunt you, misery loves company. I've gone through all the emotional bs that Lia has, it annoys me to be weak. It makes me hate myself. I say stupid shit like 'i want to die, I could just die right now' but I never do anything like cutting to make these phrases more than just words.

Being strong is so fucking hard. Which is why this week Ive been doing what I know best: eating. Then I wake up the next morning and see the fat face, and belly poke out and i hate myself all over again. Then I'm like no you don't, just fix yourself, make yourself happy, be strong. Stop your bullshit. This is the only way. No one can fix me, only I can. AND THAT SHIT IS HARD.

But I dont want to hate myself. I don't want to think negatively. I dont want to be depressed again and antisocial and blow up even more. I'm 21 fucking years old. I NEED TO GROW THE FUCK UP. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. I have to be my own super hero. fuck. Theres no one to blame. I shove the shit in my face.

Beauty is pain. Scarifice and discipline. I must loose this weight or I will NEVER be happy. And its the truth ladies, you know it. I have to be skinny because if not I will never amount to anything. I will never love myself or others properly because I hate my jiggling fat disgusting undisciplined ugly motherfucking ass. I hate to be this honest with you all, but I refuse to lie. It rainbows and sunshine when you've made a decision and commit to it. Its rain clouds when you know what you should be doing but you dont put forth the effort.

2012 is my year. This is OUR year. I dont want to complain. I want to maintain consistency. I want to be a self sustaining bitch who is boss at life because she made all her own dreams come true. Then I can lookout into the world inspired and ready to help others because I defeated my own demons.
From wintergirls, I know this will sound creepy but I'd always read it before I'd go to sleep and like I would see these scary images in my mind. Like a literal monster with gnashing teeth. And I feel like that was my fat monster lol but forreal like making himself known. That book really put me in a mood, and I couldnt sleep because I would see him and become paranoid that when I did finally open my eyes something would be there.
That is the first time Ive seen something like that. Well I had this other dream.. I'll blog about that one later, its dramatic. My dreamlife is epic. I usually can remember them really well, and sometimes Ill voice record them on my phone so I can look back on them and try and find the significance. I guess Wintergirls scared me because I was visualizing everything while it was happening.. I kind of carried Lia's burden.

But still read it. Just do it. We have to face our fear. False.Evidence.Appearing.Real.
( Oh okay, I know this blog was heavy but I thought I'd jazz it up in the thinspo. Below you will see some real girls with curves--- just to remind you that when normies tell you "you look good" dont believe them. We can always look better if we lost 5 more lbs. But i also wanted to point out that being too thin is disgusting. Find your happy medium:)






5 comments:

  1. It sounds like you have the right attitude--no one can fix you but you, but you're right about too thin being just as bad as too fat. Hope you can stay strong in a healthy way, and stop hating yourself! It's no way for us to live. <3

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  2. We have to be healthy and fit and toned, not deathly ill. I want to have a flat stomach that is toned and fit. I don't want to look dead. I want to look amazing. Very much alive. Alive and well and better than I've ever looked before. We will do this! ^_^
    -Emma

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  3. lol yea nicole richie looks gross>.< Yea wintergirls made me cry so much. I'm so sry tht its making u feel this way...but dear u rly r so beautiful! I love how ur so positive & ready to pick urself back up and achieve what u want to achieve for YOU. seriously thats inspiring me & helping me see how I need to want to do this for MYSELF as well:) Thanks so much for ur comment yesterday, rly u gave me so much encouragement and comfort:) either case, uve got it in u dear, & ur gonna look, feel & be AMAZING!!! stay strong<3 U CAN do this!!!

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  4. it's hard to stop eating. sometimes, we crave food. sometimes, we can't help but continue on. sometimes, it's dark, sometimes, it's bright - sometimes, it's dusk, and sometimes it's light. <3 fuck up today. just doing good tomorrow means a lot. i used to go on binge-sprees. but think about it, even if you binge a lot, do you binge as much? recall your worst, and see how far you've gotten. yesterday, you know, i ate oatmeal, a salad, grilled cheese, three bars, and a bowl of cereal. and that felt like a lot for me. but when you look at it in that retrospect, i used to binge on four bowls of oatmeal, rice, and stuff myself until i feel so full i would burst. this is a big change. remember. there are so many things that you did change. there's a reason for why your brain just goes all 'i want food now and i don't care'. because your body needs it, and you can only fight for so long. but we are soldiers. we stand up and pick off where we left off. that's why i refuse to be negative and i'm glad you're not being negative either.

    i also have some dreams that i do remember. before my ED, i had this dream that i can see my spine and had this horrible case of anorexia (i always thought i was more mia), and then i was eating from this small white cup, where there were fruit - very carefully. J looking down at me with...disappointment. i have a strong fear of disappointing people. very strong.

    i am striving for that 'too thin' image. i actually see myself as pretty. i want to be ugly. how weird is that?
    -Sam Lupin
    PS. sorry for the shitlong comment. i comment as i read. it's sort of my thing.

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  5. Is that really Nicole Richie in the last picture?!!!She looks awful...Geez!

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