Tuesday, January 17, 2012

After hour thoughts.

I should never let anyone or anything make me feel stressed enough to binge. I will stop that behavior. Im seriously looking forward to going to the doctor once I get some medical insurance (soon im sure). I had antidepressants and anxiety meds once before, but I quit them after like a month. Maybe I shouldnt have? Ive been noticing how I can feel so low so fast, the hole is deep and almost  infinite. Im trying to stabilize myself, one day at a time. My weight is a even 170lbs, not happy or sad about that. But new goal loose 5lbs in... 11 days? Hell why not? 165lbs will feel better than 170 any day:)

Okay so ive made a awesome Clamato/V8 inspired drink today. And the taste is explosive. I wish to continue with the liquid fast, and maybsss eat fruit? Ehhhh, naw. When I eat it frightens me. Like my mind is relieved that I gave up again, and is ready to eat anything not nailed down. Discipline, discipline. Its weird. So cinnamon is amazing. Ive been putting it in my salads, you ladies should try! Its something else, like your eating your salad and all of a sudden you taste cinnamon and its a whole different way of experiencing food. Cinnamon is usually associated with sweet taste so when you have it with salt, vinegrette, lettuce, you discover another level of flavor. Thats how it is for me, its my thing. I put cinnamon in my smoothie of: celery, canned stewed tomatoes, vinegar, pepper, vegetable seasoning, redpeppers, cayenne pepper, white onions, 1/2 scoop vanilla protein powder and cucumbers. Lol its crazy, it wakes me up. Im no chef, I just get inspired from time to time. So imma be sipping on that and save some money. Its late, I have to be up in like 3 hours. Yayyy school...

Have a skinny day everyone:) Ill be getting to blogs later on tomorrow im sure.

Oh YEAH! Thank you Jesus for MLK!<3 America isnt perfect, but she has come a long way.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Its all crystal clear.

Im going to be skinny because it makes sense. Its one defense I have against the world. Its one thing that I can be proud of, I can boast without bragging, I dont have to say a word. I will hurt in silence, my mother doesnt hear a thing I say. The only language she will understand is that I stopped "eating myself crazy".

Her words verbatim, my thoughts precisely. She has sliced me open, behold, my stupidity on display. She doesnt hate me, but I dont make her proud. She wishes she never had me, my B walks with a crown. Him over me, im a burden a waste of time, im sorry I have issues, with words I write in rhyme. My emotions are useless, my voice is empty air. Im just a broken piece of shit, forever in need of repair. Always needing more love than she can possibly give, so I will speak no more of the pain within.

For it is pointless, to ears that selectively desire to hear. I will indulge in skinny, avoiding food like a disease. I will fake strength, I will never eat again.
My family is tired of me, I am also listless of myself. I want to starve so I may be this girl that supports herself. Who only cracks in private, who can handle envious glares, whose lonely but acts like she doesnt care. Relationships scare her for she is already involved in a deadly love affair.

Im sorry to be morbid. My heart is heavy, im sad but I have no choice but to appear functioning. The skinny girl will bring me joy and satisfaction. I want to never eat again, I wonder how long I can push myself. If food touches my lips idk what will happen.
Today has been a success. No food, only ginger tea, green tea and sips of a Mikes Harder Mango. Reality hurts, but not eating made the end of my day uplifting:)

Stay strong ladies, fight for your happiness.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Lake Girl

Watch "Mary Kate Olsen - LifeStyle" on YouTube

Watch "Thinspo- Nicole Richie" on YouTube

Ive been on a major thinspo binge. I.miss watching video thinspo and ive become obsessed as of today with: Nicole Richie, Kate Bosworth, Victoria Beckham (cliche but I dont care, VB is fierce!), and Mary Kate Olsen. Im Trying to mentally prepare for where I need to be. What I must do. I see now that I must not eat. Anything. Liquid fast and 1hour workout. Im not going to put a timeline on the fast, but I do remember fasting for 13 days one time in my life. I want to shoot for that or longer. Shrink my stomach and increase my will power because as of late, its been beyond weak and ive been miserable because of my bad choices.

I kind of wish I didnt have to go to school so I could solely focus on being skinny. But now I have to exceptionally intelligent, competent and skinny. Not saying I cant, but it would be easier to tackle one hurdle at a time. That would be peachy when I think about it: skinny and feeling decently secure. I would be comfortable with my amount of eating and exercise. Id have a good routine, maintaining my skinny and the ablity to make it look effortless. Id walk into that college ready to highlight every chapter and disect aerodynamics. I would be open to learning Bernoulli's principle in conjuction to high pressure and low pressure's affect on flight. Here we go world, im going to be this "go girl", who handles new challenges with stride. Thats me 2012 and on.

«i have this whole new perspective on when scary skinny Nicole Richie happened. I think she wasnt aware of where she had gotten to. All she knew was she did not want to be labeled as "thick" or "healthy" anymore. She was probably running from that even though she had been out of the league 15+ lbs ago. But her being that skinny took unbelievable strength. So yes, its disturbing but at the same time I applaud her and im sure she applauds herself. She pushed it beyonddd the limit and was like      "what up world? Fuck what you say I am. I am what I made me to be. Thanks bitch. Now that I feel like it, im going to go eat a salad and gain a lil meat back. But only because I feel like it. I lived the impossible, I transformed.» And I say, "you go bitch! Im loving the chic comeback."

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Fucking Life.

Update. I have new feelings about Wintergirls. Maybe I disliked the book so much because it was more than haunting me, but telling the truth about how I feel inside. And where these feelings can lead me. And how some people become your world and you don't know how to deal without them. So they haunt you, misery loves company. I've gone through all the emotional bs that Lia has, it annoys me to be weak. It makes me hate myself. I say stupid shit like 'i want to die, I could just die right now' but I never do anything like cutting to make these phrases more than just words.

Being strong is so fucking hard. Which is why this week Ive been doing what I know best: eating. Then I wake up the next morning and see the fat face, and belly poke out and i hate myself all over again. Then I'm like no you don't, just fix yourself, make yourself happy, be strong. Stop your bullshit. This is the only way. No one can fix me, only I can. AND THAT SHIT IS HARD.

But I dont want to hate myself. I don't want to think negatively. I dont want to be depressed again and antisocial and blow up even more. I'm 21 fucking years old. I NEED TO GROW THE FUCK UP. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. I have to be my own super hero. fuck. Theres no one to blame. I shove the shit in my face.

Beauty is pain. Scarifice and discipline. I must loose this weight or I will NEVER be happy. And its the truth ladies, you know it. I have to be skinny because if not I will never amount to anything. I will never love myself or others properly because I hate my jiggling fat disgusting undisciplined ugly motherfucking ass. I hate to be this honest with you all, but I refuse to lie. It rainbows and sunshine when you've made a decision and commit to it. Its rain clouds when you know what you should be doing but you dont put forth the effort.

2012 is my year. This is OUR year. I dont want to complain. I want to maintain consistency. I want to be a self sustaining bitch who is boss at life because she made all her own dreams come true. Then I can lookout into the world inspired and ready to help others because I defeated my own demons.
From wintergirls, I know this will sound creepy but I'd always read it before I'd go to sleep and like I would see these scary images in my mind. Like a literal monster with gnashing teeth. And I feel like that was my fat monster lol but forreal like making himself known. That book really put me in a mood, and I couldnt sleep because I would see him and become paranoid that when I did finally open my eyes something would be there.
That is the first time Ive seen something like that. Well I had this other dream.. I'll blog about that one later, its dramatic. My dreamlife is epic. I usually can remember them really well, and sometimes Ill voice record them on my phone so I can look back on them and try and find the significance. I guess Wintergirls scared me because I was visualizing everything while it was happening.. I kind of carried Lia's burden.

But still read it. Just do it. We have to face our fear. False.Evidence.Appearing.Real.
( Oh okay, I know this blog was heavy but I thought I'd jazz it up in the thinspo. Below you will see some real girls with curves--- just to remind you that when normies tell you "you look good" dont believe them. We can always look better if we lost 5 more lbs. But i also wanted to point out that being too thin is disgusting. Find your happy medium:)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


And good morning! It's 7:10 am and I am fighting to be awake. The diet pills are a God send, considering the fact that I have the most horrible time sleeping and they give me energy.

My sleeping routine has been whacky, but even more so after reading Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. Its such a heavy story line, and the fact that Lia is seeing ghost kind of messes with my imagination. I can say I'm glad the story is over, it was a good read but I'm happy to be done with it. I couldn't handle Lia's bestfriend Cassie always haunting her and trying to convince her to die also. But I do like the fact that Lia is so strong when denying herself food. Though in this book it did make me think twice about whether I really wanted to be like her. I mean, yes I need more self control, but not to the point where I carry so much pain internally that I want to just cut myself open and float away. I want to find a happy medium, where I can restrict, I can say no to food if I choose to ("no, i don't HAVE to have that cupcake or that brownie") but I can also say yes to food and not hate myself. Especially if it's healthy. Lia had such a negative view of herself, which I too find myself having but I try harder to focus on making my body and food habits better than just mentally beating myself by saying 'im stupid, im fat, im ugly, i suck'. Sometimes I do feel like that, which motivates me to fix myself so I WONT ALWAYS feel that way. That type of energy exerted will be percieved by everyone you come in contact with. People will feel your weakness and use that to their advantage to get over on you. Which is why you must be strong, and try your best to be confident. Life is shark tank, well adult life is. This is had been the hardest adjustment I've ever made, and I'm still trying to find myself in the midst of it all.

Random ramble of mine. I wanted to get it off my chest. Idk if any of you feel the same...
But umm Zantrex 3 is working wonders. I'm going to be completely honest with you all. I weighed myself like.. Friday or Saturday and I had ballooned back up to 176 lbs, (i had to be bloated) but as of this  morning I'm at a solid 169.2lbs. Which sounds more legit. And I'm thinking I can get down to 166-167lbs by Friday but I'm still aiming for 164lbs. The pills MUST be working, and I'll give you the stats on the 14th. I still got time to get this weight off:) Excited! The food intake has been getting better. You all should really email Ell, she's really awesome to talk to.

But so am i! <3 vidaana24@yahoo.com, alright ladies. Let's go get them today:)

Oh yeah, let me know what you guys think of Wintergirls. It was just a little heavy for me, but I would recommend that people read it. It gives you perspective..

okay ciao.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Diet Pills.

Hey hey girls, ive come along way from bingeing. Today was a success, I ate about ... 650 or so in calories which im very proud of. I got a moderate workout on 600 cal burn.
Today I went out shopping for a scale, ohh the number it told was scary so im going to try it some time to get adjusted to living in my house, and see if its feeling better tomorrow morning.

I MUST be bloated lol. Ha;) so im feeling nervous about this weigh in cause my food intake the past 3 days has been out of control. I took it upon myself to buy some diet pills, zantrex 3. Ive taken diet pills once before when I was 16, Stimereux I believe it was called but those made me so jittery that I quit them. This is my first day and I feel fine and energized. Hopefully they work, im in a crunch the 14th is 6 days away... Ahhhh. Lol imma try my best, I set high goals for myself because I want to work on my discipline. I want to work well under pressure, not crack. Send some positive energy my way. Its going to be some major bootcamp living til weigh in.

Zantrex dont fail me now.

Good luck everyone, we all mess up but we all must want to stop the madness, and just be sickening. Haters are going to hate, so lets give them another reason.;P

Friday, January 6, 2012

Live like your dying.

In all the simpliticies I encounter struggle. I can't fucking lie. Last night I binged. I'd say about 1200 or more or less, which made me feel shitty because I knew it was going to happen. This shit was premediated. Less then half way in I was full but I just wanted to shove shit into my face. I look back on it, and idfuckingk why I didn't listen to my body. I wasnt enjoying the food, it wasnt some mouthgasm goodness. Just some bs like olive bread, peanutbutter (no offense Sam), a lil poundcake... beans, turkey. Like not fucking amazing oh idk a jalepeno burger with bacon and guacamole just gwaking at me. No where near that splendid. Though that also reminds me of fat, and lots of it. The food I ate didnt even taste good, I was just chewing my emotions. My stress. I didnt cry. I didnt purge. I worked out. 900 cals down, and a lil morning toning workout. I'm loosing these 5 lbs. I dont want to live with my old sabotaging self. I hate that bitch. I hate her, because she hates me. She wants me not to believe in all the things Ive worked for, and what I'm capable of working towards.

Its simple to be skinny: Dont eat much, or often. Workout. Drink water, tea, coffee. Thats the law.

But still I look like a pig in a blanket. Fuck the bullshit. I may stumble but I will never give up me. I'm all I have, no one else just me.

I will be a sucess. I will be 110 lbs. I will travel the world. I do love Anavida more than anyone ever could. Ever.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Going for the gold.

I did the weigh in and it read ... Drum roll please

169 lbs! At first I had my jeans on and it read 171 and I was pissed so I took them off and my day became,magical:))

Now this is the college scale, not a electronic accurate one. So my present for hitting my goal is to buy myself a scale. Another reason why I probably let the lbs add up, lol I wasnt checking myself.
Alright ciao for now,
5 more lbs by Jan 14th!

Have a skinny day everyone, they add up! :D

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Bob Harper or Dolvet?

So im sitting here feeling a little too full, only on healthy food but still. Fullness is starting to bother me, its an indication that I over did it. Like maybe I didnt eat slow enough, I should have waited 20 more minutes til I ate more. And theres two types of full- content and energized (this one I like), then theres full enough to feel it in your tummy... Just kind of sitting there (what I feel right now). Ewww..

Anyways, so I ate almost 700 cals which makes me feel indifferent especially since I have weigh in tomorrow. (fingers crossed! xD) five lbs had better be minused off my body. Ive been trying so hard. Ill let yall know with a mini blog before noon. I got a decent workout on 880 cals burned, I just hate how much I sweat. Its insane, like my butt sweats through my sweats lol which is embarassing but I dont even care, skinny or die. Fuck everything else.

The biggest loser is on. Very Good show, these people are worked to the bone, past all the limits they allowed to define their lives. Its a beautiful thing, if these people who are like 400 lbs with medical conditions that can limit their mobility decide to stop their crazy obsession with food and fight for their livelihood then I can too. Im willing to fight for the woman that expects so much out of herself, and subquently others. Which isnt healthy for me, so ill just push myself to live the impossible. I wish Dolvet or Bob would be my trainer and possibly a life coach. It would make life's journey a little less shocking, but expected.

170 lbs or less tomorrow, thats me.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Simply put.

To say im at peace would be a understatement. The workout went well without a hitch, got a lil distance running on the treadmill 5.5 speed for 30 mins. It felt good to go at a constant speed for once, instead of interval with incline. Burnt like 1000+ cals today, kinda fasted til 6. I ate about 250 calories, so id say today was a good day.
Black coffee is my friend, it works soo well.

I have nothing extremely interesting to report. I took body photos today, omgosh its such a real moment. Like.dammmn, thats my body, thats me on camera.

Yeahh, a lot of working out is in order. Clothes sure do cover up alot, and, makeup disguises us. Its wild when you strip down to the basics,  seeing whats actually there. Im glad Im not a slave to makeup anymore. I thought I looked hideous without it. Well not hideous, but not pretty. My imperfections were on display and I felt vulnerable.

Good luck to everyone. Change will come when your ready.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

YOLO. What are you doing with your life?

SY+SM=<3 dia cinco;

Oh myy, so much is happening. Its 2012 dolls!<3 and I couldnt be happier. I may not be the hottest, skinniest girl at my college, but I know that im sincerely trying to be the best me. Thats all I could expect of myself. Of course, I want to prove to my family that I have discipline, but mainly loosing weight is a personal endeavor. I already feel a bit lighter and the confidence associated with positive changes is undeniable. My first weigh in is soooon! 3 more days til the scale tells me my hard work translated in lb loss. And like stillimagining, I know it will move. My food intake has changed dramatically. Just today I said 'no' to a huge delicious veggie buritto. The the tortilla alone would have knocked me up 300+ calories.. I dont need a 1000 calorie food baby to carry around. And the all that mind consuming guilt...

I havent done perfect though, last night I had a piece of pizza, the smallest one I could find. But I did a extra workout to burn it off... Lol and I finnished right before the count down. Happy new year everyone!:) Next year I would love to actually be there in New York, feeling fabulous and free for 2013. I would deserve it:D The more I think about my skinny self, the more evident it is that dreams do come true. But only for those who put a plan into action. Action makes words purposeful. I want to inspire and I want us to progress together. Impossiblities are self mandated. You have the ablity to be, to create any world you desire.
For my next 5lbs lbs im starting Jan 4th and I would like them lost by the Jan 14. Not a lot of time? That just means we must work harder!  10 days to loose 5lbs, .5 lbs a day.. Not too bad I think. I would love for you all the join in, multiple effort motivates all involved. Skinny You:Skinny Me=<3. We must push ourselves to be amazing. Im not stopping til I hit 110lbs and I have a ways to go but I AM NOT DISCOURAGED:), its a challenge worth taking head on.

Enjoy life, make some resolutions, but most importantly do what it takes to manifest happiness in your life. I love you guys, ill be rooting you on all year.

Life is awesome, its the first day of month, the first month of the year. What are you going to do with your 2012?

Ps. Yolo= you only live once