Sunday, December 25, 2011

Maybe if I was addicted..

Today I ate and ate well. Tooo well lol. I stopped though about 3-3:15 pm which is better than eating late. I know I said Id workout today, just havent yet. I still feel the food floating under my ribs and in my throat. I want to purge.. I havent done that in so long. I know its not wise. Its mental abuse manifested physically. But theres no denying seeing the food removed, wiping your mouth, washing up and walking away that you feel clean again. Upset with yourself for fucking up, but patting yourself on the back for fixing your intake mistake.

Im not in love with food. I used to cling to its coat tail in times of stress, happiness, sadness. I see it as a necessary evil. If I could I would never have to eat again. Its repulsive what ive let it do to my body. Calories are creeping within each bite, and the only way to be rid of the poision is to sweat, or force yourself to throw up. Isnt that extreme when you think about it? Food causing people to break out, get stretch marks, wear plus size, get cut up and get liposuction/gastric bypass. That shit crazy.

Addiction drives people to become passionately involved in their secret life. Always making time for it, its their best relationship. Maybe ill become passionately involved with my skinny life.. My food relationship started young, as a child I felt unheard and misunderstood. Only by immediate family that is, everyone else seemed to get me.

No worries, im not a child anymore.. I dont need to hide, I dont need anyone's validation. Yep, like I promised you all and myself, I will be working out. Probably will be up late, this food has me feeling disgustingly guilty, but determined to stop my self sabotage.

Anavida yoo

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