Tuesday, February 18, 2014


In life I live more so in fantasies and day dreams than anything else. I don't know how to propel my efforts.

I maybe bipolar.
Which would explain my highs and lows. My tension. My nothingness. As much humor I show is the equal amount of pain and constant sadness I carry. It's no lie. The funniest people are the saddest people. I know I'm not coping well. But at least now I maybe able to blame that on mental disease. HAHA

I have an appoint on the 23rd with a psychiatrist I haven't gone to school for a week. Lord.
I need to restrict. I know Im probably 200 lbs now. it's crazy how far you let yourself slip for "self love" or acceptance. As much as I have tried to love myself gaining 30 lbs is NOT love. Thats giving up. Thats not giving a fuck. Thats defeat. I worked against myself. My bro cant wait to tell me all the shit I need to change. I'm not having it.

This post is pointless.. I'm back are you ready? I'm guessing restriction begins tomorrow. I had pizza this morning. :/

 600 cals and under. yep.

I have nothing. Im just here getting fat. I don't know. Lets take Gizmo for a walk. Long haired chihuahua, hes kind of adorbs.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013


Binge ridiculous yesterday, all day. It was gross. I know I'm feeling stressed and my period is coming in like a week or so. I usually want to eat everything but furniture during those times. But now that I'm willing to be concious and aware of my behavior I'm back to where I should be. Today will be like... 600-700 cal day plus a 1 hour workout.

I saw someone I was crazy about back in my youth. I'm no longer bitter, I've moved on. It literally is the best feeling. I'm maturing. I love my imperfections. I don't always want to be the center of attention. I just want to be relaxed and calm, maybe you'll see me there. Today is a amazing day.

Good day to you loves

Ps. In going to start setting goals. Soo hopefully I can be down 4 lbs by next week. I'll keep you posted.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Here's to getting tossed up

Tomorrow I'm going to party so crazy style. I just can't with my feelings.

I'm sitting here in the local Panera feeling nostalgic. I got some of what you got but maybe I want more. More of your time, more of your attention. I hope we don't just fizzle. I'm willing to try this, try you out. It's weird how you pop into my day dreams, you in the night coming closer to me. I feel that you were tangible, not a figament of one of my many fantasies. Haha

I got to shake you off. Like before, I'm fine. I'm always going to be okay, I'm alright. Somebody will want what I have. They will love me hard and I will not run away but into their arms & heart. One day someone will see me.

I worked out yesterday. Talked to some niggas... Bleh. I'm just chilling. I'm a little in my feelings. Work will definately be a good distraction I'm believing that sex ain't better than love. But sex is fun. It's nice to be desired. A lot of the time I have no idea what to say. Yep. Done with this.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013


Go lover, make mama proud. && when were done I just want to feel your hands all over me baby..

Ayee the freak within is someone super trill. And you know what I like? That I don't have it all figured out. I'm not sure which sex I want more or what exactly I'm supposed to be doing with myself.

It's funny the things that turn me on. Sincerity is real sexy. Calmness is hott. A bit of aggression is always good.

Soo today let's see here.. food wise it has been minimal. I had 2 apples,
Last night however I ate like shiit. *flips hair*
I'm not even hungry. I called the college I want to attend to see if they accepted my request for financial aid and oh hell yes they did. Amen to that. *Churrch*  haha

The air is changing. The universe is spreading its love all over my intentions. Thank you. I will be skinny, I will not hide behind food because I'm afraid to be my best me. I was always to afraid of those I like hating on me because I was shining. So I would down play myself, get inside my head and talk all that negative nonsense.

I deserve happiness. I deserve to have what I desire. Damn this bus smells terrible! Like wet dog, goddamn! Either your down for me or your not. I will make it with or with you.

Yes I'm Gymming right now, then ill hit the sauna. I've been breaking out something crazy. I cant with all of that.